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Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

Sometimes we complicate our own relationships before they have even begun. Sometimes we complicate our lives after the relationships have ended. Had a water cooler conversation with a friend and colleague yesterday about how we tend to predict the outcome from the first encounter. We deduced that this is wrong. So is panicking in the early stages and worrying about heartbreak, incompatibility, etc. before it arrives.

Not every time high fences and higher defenses, sometimes we should just open ourselves up the possibility of what might be. Let things evolve organically. As some of us can attest, nipping things in the bud out of fear before they have even begun can lead to varying levels of catastrophe. So too can blame, regret, and speculation without evidence. Hindsight is 20:20, let’s learn from each others’ snap judgments and overindulgence on memories, and stop complicating what is simple.

Likewise, let commas not be turned to full stops filled with regret as we recollect experiences. I hope you can/can’t relate to this, it comes from the heart.

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He loves me
He loves me not
See he loved me
Then he loved me not

So he loved me
And then he forgot
That he was to chug the love potion
And then pursue the notion
Past logic, drunk on emotion
To ‘forever’ and beyond

When he loved me
I was scared he would soon pledge his love to me
So I cautioned him to tread carefully
And then he loved me not

He consciously forgot
That he had loved
And that his risk would be worth the reward
Because I had impressed upon him that he may not be able to afford…
The pain this love could bring
The suffering of a broken heart
The agony of things falling apart

So before he even loved me
He loved me not
Before he even built a memory lane
He forgot
Before he even declared his intentions
He withdrew
Before the race began
He stopped the pursuit
Of my happiness
Because I think maybe
I could have loved him too

Now I’m haunted by ‘what if’
Haunted by ‘if only’
Haunted by a missed opportunity
That was presented to me
And sabotaged by yours truly
Haunted by his next ex
Or his forever
Both of which could have been me

I warned him not to get hurt
I am wounded
Not to let me break his heart
I am broken
Not to let himself get caught up
I lost a catch
Not to let himself be unequally yoked
I met my match
Not to get love struck and tongue-tied
Strings attached
Not to serve and end up with love
Game. Set. Match.

I have loved and lost
And I did not love till I had lost
And while he loved
I was lost
In the details of the ‘what if’

And now all I have left is ‘what if’
What if I had let him love me?
Instead he loves me not.

However he shares the blame.
Is there a reason he didn’t try again?
How do you go from being romantically insane…
To completely unwilling to dial my name?

So while I unbreak my heart
I reflect on the pieces
And while I assess my faults
I realize better what my need is

Memories are most often more romantic
Retrospect with rose colored glasses
The ephemeral feels so concrete
As my dreams deceive me while I sleep

Coulda, woulda, shoulda,
Now he loves me not
So maybe there’s a key ingredient
That I must have forgot

Because if he really loved me
Would he then love me not?
Simply because of my uncertainty?
Something doesn’t sit right with me.

He “loved me”
Now he loves me not
But now I desperately love me
Him who? I forgot.
In my self love:
My doubts are exorcised
My feelings are amplified
I am alive

I’ve awoken to see
That first I must truly love me
Enough to not get daunted or haunted
By ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’
If he loves me
Then suddenly loves me not
Then he’s not for me
His love did not:
Bear
Believe
Hope
Endure
It was not patient
It’s not my kind
It is not the love for me
I wait patiently.

 

Zeni St. John

  • Testimony

    Written as though you took it out of my thoughts.

    My love is too TRUE to have thrown back in my face.

    August 6, 2016 at 7:53 pm Reply
  • Lore

    Beautiful

    August 31, 2016 at 10:51 am Reply

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